Come Back To Me Oil (AKA "The Zombie Resurrection Formula")

Spells & Spell Crafting Wisdom in The Craft

LET'S GET REAL

You remember Jimmy Angelov. He was never that great a boyfriend to begin with, and I'm not quite sure why Nicole Kidman's character (Gillian) wanted him back so badly. But she did. So she and her sister-accomplice (Sally) decided to use their aunties' variation of "Come Back To Me Oil" and voila, Jimmy's back! This time as a psychotic demon zombie and only a tad worse than he was before he died.

For some reason, we just want what we want, regardless of the million and one reasons not to want something back that obviously didn't work well the first go-around. We seem to entirely forget about what was wrong with the relationship in favor of this fantasy we've conjured up in our imaginations that isn't based on ANY evidence at all. And now you're asking me to send you the magic potion that will resurrect . . . God only knows what. 

Don't get me wrong: I love making money. But what I don't love is the risk of being your accomplice in a project that is just going to hurt you yet again.

Luckily most of us DIDN'T fall in love with somebody who's trying to kill us, so that's good; we fell in love with a nice person and then something weird happened and then it slipped away. Okay, fine.

But before you order my Come Back To Me Oil, I'm going to give you a truly magical formula for discovering exactly what to expect when it actually works (because it actually does). And hopefully maybe after reading this you'll say truthfully to yourself that I'm wrong and then you can pursue your zombie resurrection with a 100% clear conscience. 

MARY AND JAKE

Mary (fake name) messaged me to say she was trying to get her relationship back with (we'll call him) Jake and requested that I send her a bottle of Come Back To Me Oil. Of course it WORKED (because it always does). But only one week after their very heartfelt and flaming-hot reunion, he was effectively a zombie in the relationship again.

What Mary didn't realize was that Jake had no alternative but to be the same person in this new zombie phase that he had already been when the relationship died the first time. Death and resurrection hadn't fixed a single thing. 

The reason for this, of course, is that Mary was the one who wanted the relationship back so desperately that she was willing to bring witchcraft into the picture. Jake was nowhere near that invested, otherwise he'd have been the one performing rituals. But whatever.

The following is a list of the five things I told Mary to observe (and what you can also expect to happen 99.9% of the time after you perform your Zombie Resurrection Spell or "Come Back To Me" Ritual if that's what you still want to call it). And it's nothing more than what was happening before:

1) YOU WORKED REALLY HARD ON THE RELATIONSHIP

If you washed their dirty dishes, were patient with their late nights out, gave them all the sex they could possibly want (or so you thought), while they were playing video games (again) or dating other women (god forbid), something was wrong with that picture and most certainly will be again.

News Bulletin: Doing dishes and housework is relationship basics; ESPECIALLY if you both have jobs. If the other person wasn't as invested in the relationship as you were the first time, it's certainly not going to be a healthy relationship the second go-around either.

2) YOU WERE IN "THE FRIEND ZONE" (WHETHER YOU ADMITTED IT OR NOT)

It's called "The Friend Zone" because you were the BEST FRIEND they ever had. If that was the case, it's certainly going to happen again. Remember: When you're the best friend they've ever had but they're not the best friend you've ever had, that's called "The Friend Zone" (regardless of all the sex).

3) THEY TALKED ABOUT HOW PATIENT YOU WERE WITH THEM

It's not a compliment! They were praising you for "being patient" with them because they were fully aware that they weren't putting anywhere NEAR the effort into the relationship that you were putting into it and that they were taking advantage of you. And that's because they were just not that into you. Praising your patience was their way of trying to compensate for their obvious and colossal lack of effort and to ameliorate their own conscience about it.

4) THEY COMPLIMENTED YOU ALL THE TIME

Of course they raved on and on about how wonderful you were to them. That's because they wanted to keep all the benefits of your being in love with them. Again, their praise is not a compliment! It's called "being a housekeeper for free." It doesn't mean they love you. It means they were too smart to say no to free housekeeping and free sex. 

Always remember that talk (most especially complimentary talk) is cheap.

5) YOU FELT HONORED AND MADE EXCUSES FOR THEM

Notice how you felt honored by nothing more than the fact that they were "letting you" be in their presence. (Rolls eyes.) You could see they weren't trying to take advantage. You obviously wanted to do all that stuff for them, and "they were just really tired after a long day at work and I had plenty of energy!" You'll find yourself saying that kind of thing all the time again when they come back. (Especially when other people are watching.)

Just ask yourself: Is that REALLY what I want in a romantic relationship? Somebody who's too tired to help and "lets" me love them with all my heart?

GOT SELF-RESPECT?

Self-respect (and treating oneself with respect at all times) is the essential element of a successful romantic relationship with anyone. Without it, you'll put up with all sorts of sub-standard relationship crap, including the person's total lack of participation in the relationship while you're literally breaking yourself for it.

In this situation you will never be happy, because nobody can ever fill the crater left from failing to respect yourself. The bottom line is if you have to disrespect yourself to be in the relationship, it's not a healthy relationship.

Nobody is worth disrespecting yourself over. And a true partner (someone who TRULY loves you as much as you love them) will never require it.

If I can leave you with any one thing, it's that no magic is going to turn somebody into something they have no desire to be.

HOW ABOUT SOME "DON'T COME BACK TO ME OIL"?

It's called Break Up Oil, Baby. And time to rip off that old Band Aid. The sooner the better. I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely, Rowan


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